Le Quack Au Mange

Yesterday, like many Sunday mornings this summer, I took Jr to the park to feed the ducks. Or Canards in French. Or Quacks in Jr-ish. It's interesting how Jr is mixing the two languages these days. For example, he'll say, "I'm going in the Maison." or "Le quack au Mange." It's quite sweet really.

Anyway, we've been going to feed the ducks in Abington Park most Sunday's, except that yesterday, we were a little late and they'd already had their fill from everyone else down there. It was sort of frustrating that they didn't all swarm around us after the bread, but at the same time, it felt less intimidating to not have geese jumping out of the water and showing us their impressive wing span in an effort to get more food from us.

Yesterday, I also took my camera with me and got some nice shots of the ducks, and the park. So here they are. Enjoy.

Excuse me while I rant

Okay, so for the past few days I've been in a really, really shitty mood. I mean, really shitty. I've been the sort of miserable arsehole that even I'd like to punch. And here's the thing, I've no idea why. Really - no idea at all. Mrs Nobbs keeps asking, "What's up?" and then saying "Talk to me," and to be honest, it's just making it worse.

Do you ever get that? Do you get in a shitty mood and you don't know why? And because you don't know why, you mood gets even worse. And people around just make it worse by trying to make you feel better and in the end you just want to run off somewhere and find some field and scream and scream until it's all out of your system?

Well, this is my field. And I'm too much of a bloke to scream. So I'll rant instead. I'll rant about all the shit that has been getting on my nerves this week. The media, the government, the media.

I'm going to start with Harriet Harman. Deputy leader of the Labour party, which she won by ballot of the members, but her won leader didn't trust her enough to make her Deputy Prime Minister. Mind you, her leader is Gordon Brown.

She's minister for Equality and women or something like that. why do we even need a minister for women? Do we have a minister for Men? I think we should. A Minister who understands that sometimes we just need to sit on the loo and shit in piece and so what if we take a book or a newspaper with us. A man's crapper should be his one sanctuary. His one place where he can contemplate the world and fiddle with his willy. And when it's not.... Well, that's why we buy sheds.

Anyway, I was moaning about Harriet Harman. At the TUC conference yesterday, she came out with the most left-wing, old-skool-labour crap I've ever heard. She said that the labour government have solved all the equality problems in terms of race, gender and disability (which they haven't, but that's a different point) and now it was time to tackle 'Wealth equality'.

"Wealth Equality"?? That sounds a like like "Wealth redistribution" to me. Take it of those who've got it and give to those who haven't. Well as someone who had nothing, and has worked damned hard to get something, I don't want it taken off me and given to someone who hasn't worked as hard as I have, thank you very much. I'm from very much a working class background. I don't have 'family money' behind me. But through working hard at school and university, I'm much better off now. Yes, there are people who're even better off - very very better off, truth be told, but they've worked for what they've got too and I don't begrudge them.

But actually, Harman was talking about "Equality of opportunity". Apparently, a less able child from a "rich" background will overtake a more able child from a "poor" background (she'd class anyone not on benefits as rich, and on benefits as poor) by the age of 6. Now, could this be because the parents of the 'rich' child value education more than those of the 'poor' child and so actually help to educate him. You know, things like talking to the child, reading books with him, drawing, writing, painting etc.

I was from a 'poor' background, but my parents wanted me to work hard - they valued my education and I had just as many opportunities as I wanted. It's all about making the best of what you've got and not making excuses - which far too many people in this country do. one excuse after another.

Take fuel bills. All the left wingers want the energy companies to suffer a windfall tax to help 'poor' people pay the bills. When actually, if they went out and worked a few hours overtime, they'd be able to pay them. It's what I have to do. Why should the couple down the road who don't realise that condoms are cheaper than children be any different? Oh, yes, I forgot, they are disadvantaged. The fact that their disadvantage is that they are too stupid to not re-produce and don't want to work hard enough for anyone to want to give them a job is neither here nor there.

If she wants to "tackle" this "travesty" and make sure everyone gets the same opportunities, why don't they make sure the damn kids turn up to school in the first place. And then when they're there, it'd help if they got on with studying instead of trying to disrupt everyone else because they are 'bored'. School isn't an entertainment venue. You're there to work. So bloody well work. Even if it is boring.

I could go on, but I think you get the jist. You can expect more of this over the next few weeks. It's party conference season. The LibDems are always good for a laugh, and watching Gordon suffer at the hands of his own party should be fun. But you can bet that most of the policies they come out with are going to annoy the shit out of me. And if they do, I'll rant. It's what I do. It makes me feel better.

On a different note, I've opened a twitter account. So now I'll be able to rant a lot more often.

Russell Brand Shocks the MTV awards - Big deal, he's been shocking (and annoying) us Brits for years

Russell Brand, the strangest comedian this country has produced in years, shocked great swathes of the US when he hosted the MTV awards last night. Now, this is a guy who, when he preformed in Northampton this spring, had to make a public apology after calling the Police live on stage and claiming to know who the local man was who had attacked and raped two women just the week before. So you can imagine just how much fun he had in the States, live on National television.

He started out by saying

"I'm famous in the United Kingdom. My persona don't really work without fame. Without fame, this haircut could be mistaken for mental illness."

And if you've seen his hair, you'd know he was right. He followed that up by saying

"Please, America, elect Barack Obama. On behalf of the world. I know some people, I think they're called Racists, say that America isn't ready to elect a Black man. But I know you're a forward thinking county because you allowed a retarded Cowboy be President for last 8 years. In Britain, that man wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors."

On Sarah Palin's daughter and the young man who knocked her up he said,

"That is the safe sex message of all time. Use a condom or become a Republican!"

And he ripped into The Jonas Brothers, a band I'll confess I'd never heard of until today. They wear "promise rings" to signify they don't want in engage in pre-marital sex. Russell Brand is a self-confessed former sex addict who still gets more than his fair share, so you can imagine the sort of things he said about them. Yet, strangely enough, his piss-taking of these 'Fine Christian Boys' is the one thing he was made to apologise for. I wonder what that says about the host country?

Now, don't get me wrong, I think that promising not to 'do it' before you get married is all well and good if that's what you want to do. And let's be honest, in Britain we have the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in western Europe so we are hardly in a position to judge. But what I find strange the need to ram the fact that that's what you're doing down everyone's throat.  I mean, the phrase "He doth protest too much" comes to mind. After all, Britney Spears spent years telling us she was a virgin, but some would say she was just trying to hide the fact that she was nothing more than a trailer-park slut.

And another thing. If you're going to promise to stay a virgin no matter what, isn't 'pop-star' an odd career choice. They're not exactly renowned for their celibate ways, are they? It must be really hard for those boys to keep it in their pants when sexy young women (and some not so sexy) are pelting them with their pants every-night on stage.

You know, the Take That boys were said to be virginal and waiting for the right woman at the height of their fame. Turns out later that they confessed to having girls sneaked into their rooms after shows and were basically shagging everything that moved. I'm not saying that these Jonas Brothers are doing the same - but I do wonder when we'll get the first paternity claim.

As for Russell Brand. Quite honestly, you can keep him. I hope he builds a big career in the States. 'Cause at least then he'll be kept off our screens and radiowaves over here. I've never really liked the bloke to be honest.

Technorati Tags: Russell Brand,MTV awards,Jonas Brothers,Britney Spears,Promise rings,Marc Nobbs

Stick a fork in me - I'm done!

Great expression that, don't you think? It refers of course to roasting meat. A chicken for example. Stick a fork in the leg and if the juices run clear (instead of bloody - yuk) then it's cooked.

I suppose though that in this case it would be more accurate to say "Stick a fork in Chloe's Education - it's done." Or at least, the first tentative draft is. Last night, I typed what I hope is the last scene. And it felt like a weight lifting.

What I want to do now is print the thing out (it runs to 79000 words and 145 pages - good job we have a duplex printer at work) and give it a good reading with a red pen in my hand. Hopefully, I'll spot things better on paper than staring at the screen. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy reading from screen and with other people's work I can edit just fine on screen - but my own words? I need to study them on paper. Don't ask me why. Perhaps they don't feel like my words when they are printed so I see them with fresh eyes.

The story is also out with my wonderful Phaze editor, who's agreed to give me an opinion before I prep it for submission, and a very close friend who is always ready to tell me when I've gone wrong and, equally important, where I've gone right. I wouldn't mind getting the opinions of one or two other "beta-readers" too, but I worry that too many cooks and all that. Still, if anyone wants to volunteer...

I think I need to re-look at the ending, and there are bound to be areas I add to or cut, but I'm pretty happy with it so far. I think it hits the right notes and has good pace. But then, I wrote it, so what do I know.

I guess now I have to turn my attention to other things. Try and clear my head before I look at working on a second draft. I think I might try and knock out a couple of shorts. They are always fun to write and will certainly clear away any cobwebs.

But for now, I'm going to bask in my own self-satisfaction of having completed a near 80000 word draft. After all, it's only taken me over a year.

A Bumper Crop

Regular readers might remember that this year, Mrs Nobbs and I have taken on an allotment to grow our own veg. I posted some pictures of the plot when it first got up and running. Well, it's harvest time and we've had a damn good crop considering it's our first year. I spent most of Saturday digging up potatoes - and now the backs of my legs ache.

Still, it's worth it when you see four large cardboard boxes sitting in the shed in our back garden, waiting to be eaten. With any luck, we won't have to buy any spuds for the rest of the winter.

There's something very satisfying about your own spuds, fresh out of the ground and still covered with earth. Something 'primal' about having to wash that dirt off before you can peel and cook them. And they taste better than the washed and sterilised things you get in Tesco.

Anyway, here are some pics of my efforts.